New Orleans (AP) A FEMA worker, Camille Martin, Ph.D, was arrested for looting Gregory Betts' text after Betts caught her leaving the property with a plastic bin filled with several items, including his collection of poetic "skin flutes", several rare pieces of Holly Hobby memorabilia on loan from the University of Calgary and a few tawdry snow globes whose ownership is currently under dispute. Martin insists they were hers, but Betts is adamant in his refusal to acknowledge this claim. "Those snow globes are mine", he forcefully put it in an interview with Calgary tabloid 'The Gas Station' last week. Litigation is pending.
Sarnia (CP) Emily Shultz, 21, was arrested on a frosty day last November after she allegedly abducted a man who later turned out to be her husband, Mr Emily Shultz, and threatened to kill him by beating out his brains with a near-mint ColecoVision gaming console. In an odd turn of events, Schultz eventually relented to her victim's "last request" to visit his girl friend (girl friend, not girlfriend -- there is a difference) before he died. While Shultz waited in the car outside the house, the victim went in "to visit his girl friend, Greg", locked the door and immediately called police, who, after quickly arriving on the scene, promptly arrested Schultz, who had no prior convictions, but who will be going away for a very long time after this spree. No joy in jo jo joyland. Amen.
Scarborough (CP) Katherine Parrish, 32, reportedly embezzled $10,000 from hard-earned non-profit poetry funds to pay for the expensive canine surgery needed after repeated raping of her quadriplegic dog by a twice-convicted sex offender she had "innocently" hired as a doggie dog stylus, as reported to the Gas Station' earlier this week. Since this sex-offender was a poet at the time, his name cannot be made available to the public. When rumours of the existence of a "sex tape" recording these sessions turned out to be true, and a quick followup by the 'Gas Station' saw the epic already appearing in the spring 2007 TalonAudioBooks catalogue, animal rights activists were quick to demonstrate their united disapproval, and a series of protest marches have begun, unleashing the biggest controversy Canadian verse has yet seen. TalonAudioBooks could not be reached for further comment, but a spokesperson for the company pointed out a curious tiny disclaimer, found buried towards the bottom of the recent 2007 printed catalogue of theirs: "All part of that "Talon Tradition" of making available to a wider audience works of an advant-garde or esoteric nature", which seems to ominously suggest that this 'animal poetics ring' had been active for some time.